my generation of homosexuals (or soon-to-be's).

i remember just a decade (and a half-ish) ago, being openly gay in society was extremely taboo and a major consequence of that was receiving prejudice in a more extreme degree compared to the current times. not to say that homosexuality isn't taboo nowadays, and especially not being prone to some sort of discrimination, but i think we can all agree that the hetero population had open their minds a little more in the past few years since they probably understand that they must coexist with us homos until the day we both die. it's either that or homosexuals have become so commonplace in our society today. i can say this with confidence for the state of hawaii only.

what i also remember was how much different homosexual behavior in the 1990's was compared to that of now. somewhere during these years, the display of one's homosexuality had increased in 'flameness' by full-throttle perhaps due to the years of suppressing ourselves. frankly, i find it interesting how some of us express ourselves (although it can be over-bearing), but when did most of us decided to attach the bitchy-ness trait on to our personalities? it's even starting to make me homophobic.

but my point that i want to convey in this blog is not about the transformation of our lifestyle throughout the years or the one person you just can't help but call him a 'bitch', but my growing concern of how many closet cases there are. believe me, i understand you; i, as well as the other openly gay men, have had that traumatizing feeling right before outing ourselves. you worry how your family is going to react, what your friends might think of you, how the rest of society will respond, you name it and we've probably thought about it. being a homosexual male rather than a female is also another scary factor, in which our society has lead us to believe that men should be physically strong, etc. but c'mon now; do you seriously think you can live your life of lies forever?

naive as i was, i thought i definitely could have taken it to the grave with me. i mean it was obvious to the world that i was 'different', but not being able to confidently say who i thought was hot, and just the whole idea of fanaticizing over a girl popular with the hetero males and not me just got tiring after a while. the worst thing by doing this though is you not only hurt yourself, but perhaps others too (i.e., ex-girlfriends, etc.). maybe it was denver, colorado's high-altitude and my drunken stupor that had led me to call one of my good friends from high school (who was the first one to out herself) and let her know what's up with me. i wish i could remember the exact words she and i had instead of me freezing my ass off in five-degree weather. but after that, it was as if i turned on a faucet and it became easier to tell others about myself.

so why is it do we have these closet cases among a huge gay population (and i'm pretty sure of that) in hawaii? yes, i understand it takes time for some people, and i respect that. but while you're going through your own transition period, please don't persistently rub it in my face that you're 'straight'. i find it utterly offensive, as if you're telling me it's wrong to be this way when clearly you are using a hair straightener as well. don't even get me started with you thinking that you're bisexual, because for you to say that is completely hard for me to believe. should i polish my psycology book and prove to you that guys tend to love the physical factors over emotional factors? hell, i don't need the book, let me just show you myself.

Thinking, For Real This Time.

if there are any virgins, then it was definitely my first blog, so do excuse her. apparently, pressing the enter button twice saves a blog and me not knowing jack shit about computers won't help to enable the 'delete blog function'.

so as i was saying. thinking. it's usually about the right time for me to do this sort of activity; finals are coming up, many projects are due, etc. but as most of you know, normal people (like me of course) tend to think about other things that aren't school related. such things like how lucky i am to get back a negative HIV test result earlier this month, the people who ask the most self-answered questions under any websites' FAQ's section, or if it's alright for mother-to-be's to drink alcohol if they plan on giving their child up for adoption, all race through my mind while playing a factor for my procrastination i'm currently doing.

which brings me to my first thought; considering to alter the meaning of express in a webster's dictionary.

now what about this whole 'senior tuesday' thing that they've got going on around oahu's supermarkets? yes, old folks can be sweet, i agree with that. they are also very sweet with their time, which is something that i don't agree with. so i'm at don quijote being all asian (as one irritating closet-homo co-worker had labeled me) and buying produce for that week's menu i intended to cook for shunge and i. shunge, short for shunji, is my boyfriend fresh from osaka (i guess i am 'all asian'). so it's item check out time. i must first mention that express lanes should not only limit the food items to ten or less, but also the coins and dollar bills used at the time of payment. i craved for an alcoholic drink of some sort since it took me five minutes to get where i am in line, and still waiting for misses nakamura to get her coins out of her japanese-patterned purse snap. she proceeds, and then it's my turn. i too had to use coins, but haven't changed my wallet after returning from japan. so i'm digging through the yen coins to find thirty some odd cents and i hear tapping. i knew it wasn't my coins doing the clinking because it sounded of cheap plastic. i turned around, and sure enough it was of a tattooed-eyebrow middle-age looking korean woman in a hiddeous attempt to conceal her imposter-design fashion wear. so what is it really like to become a senior citizen? to sleep for one-hundred forty-four hours, leaving tuesdays the only available time slot to do anything? because heaven forbid that i hold up that line again.

moving on to the position of expediter. if any one of you are familiar with the restaurant business and the positions required for it to run smoothly, you know that expos receives the food from the kitchen and presentably prepare the food for it to be sent out to the tables. but the fine lines you didn't read is that you've got a full-line kitchen of micronesian nationals high on betel nut and a handful of pissed of servers throwing out requests at you to make you realize how menial of a job expediting can be. also add in the factor that there are hardly any silverware and other supplies, as well as a fat, gay-in-denial intern who forgets to cook rice, and you've just caught a glimpse of what life would be like if you don't graduate from college soon. yes, i am a bitch whenever i step into that station and it's safe to say that others who step into that station feel that way too. however, the accidental stain on my pants is ko-chu-jung, not blood.

it's because of these events that makes me want to set up an appointment to sit down and have a talk with mr. webster about redefining the word 'express', as well as have him relay a message to his wife roget to change any related word similies in her children's best-selling book called the thesaurus. let's teach the youth of our future the correct education they deserve in order for us to eliminate the expensive required bottle fees on our beloved alcoholic beverages.